Wow, I'm speechless, touched, saddened, yet hopeful that one day we'll be able to unlock a cure for this disease. Thank you Ann for sharing this story and that great picture of you two.

Thank you for sharing, I am the father of a 4 year old autistic son. Everyday I see nothing but love in his eyes, maybe it is the happiness that he has brought me that is coming thru.

I saw the lovely photo and thought it looked strikingly like you, Ann. Then I read the byline and article and it was you. I was very touched by your story. So many of us have hidden and not-so-hidden family problems. In the past, problems such as autism, brain damage, Down Syndrome and the like were rarely discussed in public and the children and adults suffering from these problems were often hidden from view. It is heartening that that is no longer the case, that there is public acceptance of the full range of human beings as well as research into the causes and treatment of autism as well as other problems. I wish you and your daughter and the rest of your family all the best in the years to come.

What a wonderful article Ann. "Always Blessings Never Losses" a quote from a friend from the heart.

I, too, am a parent of a child with autism. My son is now 20, and after a few bumpy years in his early teens, he has become such a pleasure to be with. He is who he is, and we wouldn't know him any other way. I do believe that he has made us and his siblings better people, because we have been able to see that not every person is "cookie cutter." Our son is a joy to others as well, and we frequently hear from people about how smart of funny he is - and he is both! So, you are on a journey that more and more people are experiencing each day. Make the most of it with your daughter - after all, she is precious like any other child and has lots of love to give!

Ann,

Thanks so much for sharing your story. So personal. So compelling. So touching.

In case you're interested, we will be doing a free screening of the film, "Loving Lamposts: Living Autistic" on Saturday, April 7 at 1pm at the Ridgewood Public Library. If possible, please join us.

Again, thank you....

Paul Aronsohn

Ann, I can't imagine the strength it must have taken for you to share that. I admire your courage, compassion and dedication. Thank you so much for sharing!

Beautiful story, and beautiful photo of mother and child.

I look at my two boys... 17 and 15, and neither are autistic, yet they both have reached the age where it's anathema to cuddle, hug or express affection to me... and that makes me cry. I cannot imagine the depth of pain that parents with autistic children deal with, though I also know from my friends that have autistic children, that they bring with them much joy as well. Here's to parents and their endless love for their kids, and here's to the kids for the love that show us in their own way.

Beautifully written, beautifully felt. Clearly you're a gifted mother for being the loving, insightful and devoted parent you are.

Goodness Ann - the implicit love of a mother, often cited as the deepest and most enduring - is never more clearly witnessed as with you. God bless. We have many families with autism who turn to the Y for support and recreation and there is such a bond forged between them all. You should check out our Saturdays in Motion program at the Somerset Hills YMCA - people come from all over NJ to attend and reap the rewards. www.somersethillsymca.org

How very lucky for your daughter to be blessed with a loving, caring, devoted, patient, and kind mother. Although this may not have been the journey you had anticipated, there is no doubt that you have taken every opportunity to stop and smell the roses! I was extremely moved by your article. Wishing for you many moere days of "connecting" with your daughter !

I appreciate your sharing of what is a very personal story and shining the light on autism.

My son, who is almost 3, was diagnosed with autism at 15 months. We identified it early, had a supportive pediatrician, and the best pediatric neurologist in the state. EIP began early and my son has made amazing progress through a combination of DI, OT, and Speech therapy. He has one of the best temperaments of any young child I've seen (including those who are neurotypical) and can be found reading books to the other children in his daycare. He can't actually read but he has what we think is a photographic memory and has memorized a number of books.

All of that said, I cringed a little bit when you mentioned your daughter was born without the ability to love you unconditionally and that love is a learned task and has to be taught to her.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Autism is nothing more than a different way of being human. Your daughter loved you from day 1 and knows very well how to love you. She just does it differently. I hope she isn't picking up on any unspoken language that says you think she needs to be taught how to love.

Please read this. It's a great post, with input from many autistic adults, who are conveying what THEY need. Not what us neurotypical parents think they need.

http://blogs.plos.org/neurotribes/2012/04/02/autism-awareness-is-not-enough-heres-how-to-change-the-world/#.T3qZNirFKOQ.facebook

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” -Einstein

I appreciated your honest sharing of your personal feelings and found your words to be very touching and uplifting. Your daughter does love you, and I hope that in the future some good results will be achieved. Thank you for this expression of your feelings. We do need more public education.

Ann - You've written a wonderful and touching article. My nephew is autistic and he is a wonderful, unique smart boy who makes the family laugh and smile when he is around. I commend you for being the strong mother/individual you are. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing your story. My 11-year-old son is autistic and I spent years wondering if I would ever feel loved by him, if I'd ever hear him say I love you, Mommy. When he was a baby I was so envious of other mothers whose babies clung to them and looked at them with such love in their eyes, who sought them out over anyone else in the room. I would wonder, if I went away forever would he even notice? Would he miss me? It's heartwrenching and debilitating. It wasn't until I had my two other "typical" children that I even knew what I had been missing. At 11 my son can now say he loves me, though still only if I say it first, but I feel grateful and lucky that we've gotten this far. I don't take any of it for granted because we've had to work so hard for it! Your daughter is so very lucky to have you for her mother. She picked you over all the mothers in the world. I wish you all the best on this incredibly challenging but amazing journey that our kids have brought us along on.

Fantastic article, Ann. Thank you so much for writing this so clearly and with so much honesty. Your daughter is lucky to have you as you are blessed to have her.

there is no joy in this world like the joy having a child gives you. every child is god's gift to you. let's all be thankful for that.

"Cars beeped behind me, but I could not, would not, be pushed from that moment." Ann, your story was absolutely breathtaking. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this with our readers.

Thank you for sharing.

I am sorry for this lengthy response BUT your story warmed my heart so much I had to reply. It warmed my heart to know that a child with this issue is in your hands. In this crazy world all we hear about is corrupt politicians, students killing each other or themselves, drugs on and on. Yet here is a mom (and then subsequent moms and dads in the replies) working so hard and unnoticed to make life wonderful for their child. Bravo! Thanks for thereby making my life better and joyful.
Your last name means "little one" but you stand tall in my book!
When you said you had fear, I remembered a hymn I heard many years ago and I will share it with you.
"Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand."

"When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress."
+Joseph

Ann ... I don't even feel qualified to respond to your story but at the same time, I'd be remiss to say nothing at all. It deserves a response from all who bothered to read it because it grabs you in the gut. I just can't seem to find the words. I have four daughters so as a mother, I feel your pain as well as your pride. You're an amazing person. I have tremendous respect for you. Actually, I'm in awe. Something tells me, somehow, your child will be fine.

I've had an autoimmune diease for over 10yrs and went to the best drs in the tri-state area. None of the drs said anything different, it was like reading a text book, they didn't really want be to get better they just just prepared me for getting worse over the years to come. About 6 yrs ago I had heard about a holistic group of dr, I looked into it, several things stopped me from going to them(the distance, cost not covered by ins, fear of change maybe) well I finally was tried of not getting BETTER, not staying the same or getting worse. These drs also do remarkable work with autistic kids. They are the best caring drs I've ever meet. Please check out Stockton Family practice, they will be able to help your kids. Their Sloan is Autism is treatable. Also check out Defeat Autism Now on there web site. I'm the best I've been before being diagnosed 10yrs ago. Best thing I ever did.

Thank you for writing this wonderful insight about mothering a child with Autism. I too mother such a child. Your efforts to raise awareness are appreciated. They are appreciated by other mother's raising their Autistic children and often in isolation. Your piece decreases this isolation and increases hope that one day our children and families will be treated with kindness, compassion and understanding. Thank you.

The boy of my heart, now13, is not autistic but has any characteristics of autism. Although he is completely nonverbal, he shows me that he loves me with his smile. You can never be in a bad moodwiththis kid. He will ways be completely dependent on me, but as my dad says,"it is in God’s hands." along thecway your daughter will show you her live, I know it! Thank you for sharing your story!

It's in God's hands...meaning God gave him autism? Or it's all a part of God's plan, meaning he gave your son autism as well as the other 1% of the population that are on the spectrum (which includes my son) for some other purpose?

If so, I can't wait to meet him to give him a nice kick in the ass for my son. Some beneficent deity he is.

Ann,
I truly enjoyed reading your story, but you know that deep in your daughters heart she has boundless love for you.....but right now it is trapped in a web that she cannot figure out, yet! My son is in his late teens, he is autistic....non-verbal.....prone to erractic & sometimes physically agressive behavior, but I cannot imagine my life without him. He shows affection, but at the same time I often ask myself the question "does he even know I am his Dad?".......I don't know the answer to that, and probably never will.......but I do feel that he has love for me, at least I have myself convinced of that.
I hope more people read your story........I hope their is more dialog, more understanding, more compassion for these children & their parents. As parents of children with autism we have to fight a battle of some sort everyday, we just don't know what battle it is going to be. Keep the faith.

Brian, thank you so much for taking the time to write. Autism has taught me to understand that words have little to do with real communication. Much is said in the silence--in the quiet spaces when I would just reach out and touch her hand, stroke her head, make her laugh.

I carry this over into the "typical" world. I find that by saying little I learn much about a person. As you probably also feel through your own experience, I feel like I've mastered understanding body language.

On the flip side, I've also come to appreciate the value of words and do not use them carelessly. I understand their weight and meaning in the measure of my conversations.

And we do go to battle everyday, but by the incredible outpouring here, it's evident that we're not alone--there are some pretty amazing people by our side. Again, thank you so much. Your son is so lucky to have you.
You are a strong man. All the stronger for your honesty. I admire you very much. I am sure your words have made people going through the same situation feel a little less alone tonight. For that, I thank you.

Ann

Congratulations on having your story picked up by the Huffington Post!

You chose how you deal with it. you can be angry, sad, or take what you got and do everything in your power for your child. God has our backs, it is what it is.

Your article and all these lovely comments really bring autism to light, and I applaud you for reaching out! I definitely learned a few things today about these special children and their remarkable parents. What I am curious about is the cause....and why is NJ so high on the list?

No causes have been pinpointed yet. It's widely thought to be a combination of genetics and environment. However environment is beginning to take a backseat. It's no secret that heavy metal poisoning causes many of the symptoms that autistics evince however there is no sound science that says this is the cause of autism, nor have any studies been done to record how many cases of autism actually have heavy metal poisoning.

The environmental factor seems to gain credence when taken in conjunction with NJ's high autism rates. Let's face it, while I love this state and think it's beautiful, it doesn't have a bad rap in regards to pollution, toxins, and industrial waste for no reason. However the one state which has higher autism rates than NJ, Utah, doesn't have this problem that I'm aware of although I'm admittedly no expert on Utah.

My personal belief is that NJ ranks high because NJ is at the forefront of autism support and awareness. NJ seems to be better at diagnosing it. I've heard the word "overdiagnosis" being thrown around but I think it's too early in the game for that to be valid. Incidents have risen because diagnosis has become better. If a new disease were discovered tomorrow, and guidelines put in place on how to diagnose it, of course the rates of diagnoses are going to increase from last year because last year it wasn't being diagnosed. There are a lot of autistic adults out there who have not been diagnosed.

A NY Times article reported on a team of scientists who linked a gene mutation in people w/autism to the increased age of parents, specifically fathers. In short, the sperm of an adult male around age 35 is less stable than that of a younger male and more susceptible to gene mutation. This effect increases in conjunction with the age of the father.

This hypothesis hits home since I was 35 when my son was born. He was diagnosed with mild autism at 15-months (a nod to how "on the ball" NJ pediatrics is).

So if this hypothesis holds water (and it's being peer reviewed/tested) it would make sense. Think of women entering the workforce which has resulted with women wanting to establish careers before having children. Husbands are most often chosen from groups of peers and as a result, couples are waiting longer - late twenties or thirties - to have children.

Consider how young couples were when having children as recently as 50 years ago. Although diagnosis wasn't as developed as it is now, does that mean autism wasn't as prevalent? Or was autism not really on the radar because children were born to younger parents which meant healthier sperm?

Lots of questions yet to be answered. I'm encouraged by the progress being made. Ultimately, it doesn't affect me either way because I'm playing the hand I've been dealt but as I'm sure is the case with other parents of autistics, there is always that nagging question of what caused this to my child and was it something I did?

I believe it is the vaccine that caused the autism in my grandson.
He was normal before the barrage of mandated vaccines.
How many un-vaccinated children have autism?
Ask a doctor in Scotch Plains this guestion. He can tell you via his extensive research.

You sure can refuse vaccines!!!!

I'm sorry I don't mean to pick a fight when occidnetalist meant well but I don't appreciate how occidnetalist completely missed the point of anne's honest, bare-all essay

I thought this was an interesting addition to this conversation. http://www.futurity.org/health-medicine/rna-discovery-offers-clue-in-autism-puzzle/

Ann you wrote a beautiful story and one I plan to share with my cousin. She has a daughter with autism also and in much simpler words has expressed what you have written. I am sure she will be touched by your story. Your depth of character shines through your writing and I hope all who read it can appreciate it as much as I did. Thank you again.

Thank you so much for sharing journey with us. My heart and mind are touched by your experience. Your article helps us to understand, be patient, show unconditional love & support.

When I posted this story, I had hoped that some people would read it and be more informed. I never expected the tremendous outpouring that it has received--I am both warmed and overwhelmed by everyone's generous responses. It makes me feel that in telling her story, my daughter who struggles to communicate everyday, has reached out and touched so many people. My deep and heartfelt thanks to everyone...

I have been a teacher of students with autism for many years, and I am so saddened by your feelings that your daughter does not love you unconditionally. While it may be true that children on the spectrum need to be taught what we, those of us not diagnosed with autism, have deemed socially acceptable means of expressing love, this by no means implies that they do not feel these emotions. I could write for days about the many non-verbal, non-traditional ways I have personally witnessed love expressed on a daily basis. As was said earlier, your daughter loves you completely, she just loves you differently. If you haven't already done so, I would highly recommend reading some books by adults who have autism/aspergers; I found them not only facinating but extremely helpful in my work as well. I wish you the very best.

I should also mention the author said, "There is a great deal of heartbreak in this; imagine having to teach your own child how to love you."

Imagine the heartbreak of an autistic child who realizes their parent doesn't prefer the way the child loves the parent. Or that the child doesn't love "good enough".

I'd like to have a dialogue on this because it's quite an interesting expression of feeling from the parent of an autistic child.

Of course, if the comment section is simply to gush over the article and for the author to give thanks for the gushing, I wish someone would have told me. I wouldn't have bothered posting in the first place.

Beautifully written.

I, like many others, was so moved by your article that I had to comment. I think you are incredibly brave to voice your feelings and superbly talented to write so eloquently. I can only imagine how many people you have helped by expressing the feelings of parents with similar struggles, as well as the number of people who will perhaps be more supportive of autistic children and their families. I wish you and your family only good things in the years to come.

I want to join the chorus of gratitude for your willingness to share - and your eloquence in expressing - your story. As I read through the responses, I so agree with the Reverend's comment, "It warmed my heart to know that a child with this issue is in your hands." And in return, your daugther's great gift to you, so well captured in your beautiful words, "the promise that over the long course of days she will reveal to me who I really am; who I am meant to be."

Thank you for opening your heart and letting us all in - God bless you and yours!

You have written a beautiful, honest story of your life with your daughter. They are your feelings, your thoughts and your expieriences and although many have children with Autism, they are not in your shoes when it comes to your daughter. Why people feel the need to question your thoughts and feelings, seems very sad to me. Why cant everyone support each other and not question? Isnt it possible that she does have to teach her daughter how to love? is there a study that says they love? There are healthy children whose parents may tell you the same thing. Please to question or judge, these are Ann's thoughts and feelings. Dont try and explain anything away that she says as being wrong. You wrote a very beautiful story on you and your daughter Ann, I thank you for having the courage to share without trying to force people to wonder what "caused" her Autism. Your story truley reflects the love you have for your daughter. It was very touching and very appreciated. Thank you for sharing your story. God Bless and Happy Easter!

Anne
Beautiful article. I wish you the best as you raise your child. Ignore he bitter posts.

The Special Education Alliance of Bridgewater-Raritan (SEA) is a nonprofit organization of parents and educators working together to enable students with disabilities, including autism, to succeed academically and socially. Membership is open to all residents of Bridgewater and Raritan, all school district personnel and families of children attending Bridgewater-Raritan Schools. For more information, see http://www.brrsd.net/web/pupil/sea/index.htm,

If you are looking for a Social Skills Learning Group for your 11-16 year old there is a new group forming on April 15, 2012 at the SSBJCC in Bridgewater. A 10-week program for youth 11-16 years old, meeting on Sundays, focuses on social, relationship and communication skills for teens on the Autism Spectrum. Contact JFS 908-725-7799 for information. Parents whose kids have participated in this group have said:

"This group has been a wonderful experience for my son and myself. This group is a good start for the boys to make friendships that the boys can continue on together so that the momentum can continue."

Ann, as a parent of an adult son who has Downs, I thank you for this heartfelt and honest reflection of life as a parent of a special needs child. As other folks suggested, ignore the negativity and instead feel the support and admiration sent your way.
Although I do not agree with the commonly uttered remark "God only gives these special children to those who can handle it" I DO believe that God provides us with the support, strength, hope, and comfort that we need to drawn on during this detour in our journey as parents. So surround yourself with only people who love and support you and your daughter. Know the world is a better place because both of you will provide inspiration and an opportunity for others to share their love and time with her and you as their gift of stewardship and love.

Sue,
Thank you so much! Your words bring such comfort to me.

So very touching. May God Bless You Always

Ann,
Thank you for sharing your lovely story. My 3 1/2 year old daughter has been touched by autism and we feel a lot of the emotions that you eloquently described. I narrated a poem - "Welcome to Holland" and created a video in honor of my daughter. Please view if you have 3 minutes:
http://www.weehawken.k12.nj.us/weehawken/autism_awareness/Welcome2Holland.html
Thank for all you do.

Ann,
My beautiful almost 4 year old boy is also on the spectrum. He is such a joy. I loved your article and I think that all of us parents of children with autism need to learn from each other's experiences and support each other as much as possible. Even though we have similar stories, our experiences, reactions and feelings are different. Learning from eachother will bring new insights and will help us see, notice and practice things we would not have otherwise. I see the love I pour into my son reflected back often even though he doesn't show it in the conventional way. Lets lift eachother up, lets stop judging.

Ann,
I am searching for the right words to say after reading your article and the responses that followed. Firstly, thank you for opening up and sharing your feelings. Nowadays I feel like we (including me) are always on guard of sharing how we REALLY feel. I can honestly say raising a child has been the most difficult yet most rewarding and loving expierence in my life. I realize how blessed my wife and I are to have our son. In reading your article I can tell how much you love your daughter and quite frankly that love is beautiful. Thanks again for sharing and keep doing what your doing! Your reward awaits you

Matthew 7:7

Ann:
Your article was eloquent and touching. For 12 years I have subbed in the Bergen County Special Needs program. I have seen many autistic students develop great skills over the course of their educational years. New theories and strategies are being developed on a constant basis. It is always gratifying to see how a special parent, teacher, etc. can make real breakthroughs. All the readers are certainly hoping and praying that you will experience many of these highs as your daughter progresses through life.
P.S. I have a cousin whose autistic child graduated a special program at Indiana University. Great achievements are within reach. God bless you for sharing.